"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
-Alcoholics Anonymous, p 59
Although it's written on page 30 of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous to describe the feeling of coming off of yet another spree, it's something that also can apply to having a life that's become unmanageable. If you didn't know that, you'll just have to trust me here.
There are a lot of ways that unmanageability can show up in my life. It could be repeatedly failed drug screenings at work, legal problems, health problems, loss of jobs, loss of relationships... the list just keeps going. A lot of problems like these are easy to directly trace to drug and/or alcohol abuse. People who don't drink don't get a ticket for drunk driving. People who don't take illicit drugs don't have to worry about testing positive for 'em. We all know (or have been) that person who becomes an absolute pain in the ass after a couple drinks.
This kind of unmanageability is easy to see. And, it takes care of itself once we quit using. Too bad it isn't always that easy.
Go to enough meetings, you'll hear the phrase "there is such a thing as 'alcoholISm', but no such thing as 'alcoholWASm'." Or, people may refer to "the 'ism'".
Sorry to say, for addicts of my description, there are problems which don't magically just go away because I've quit using. God knows, I waited long enough... but no dice.
What was taught to me is that my 'defects of character', to use a common AA phrase, are what not only got me started into drugs and booze - they're what will also eventually take me back. Oh, and they'll screw up my life while I'm sober, too. Those first two concepts there have been taught to me in an intellectual fashion; I've heard them in meetings and workshops. But that third idea was not only told to me; it's something I've learned through empirical evidence. AKA 'the school of hard knocks'.
So, how do I know if my life's manageable or not? That's a little tougher once I'm sober, and the immediate repercussions of drugs and alcohol aren't present.
So, let's start with defining "manageable".
Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines it as "capable of being managed".
Okay... looking up "manage":
"...to handle or direct with a degree of skill..."
So, if my life is unmanageable - or not able to be managed - it means that I am not capable of handling or directing it with a degree of skill to make things turn out how I want. In other words, unmanageability means that some part or parts of my life aren't working how I'd like them to.
Examples: got twenty pounds I keep wishing to lose? Unmanageability. Keep quitting smoking? Don't want to invite people over, because my house is always messy? Unmanageability. Buying stuff, and regretting it later? Paying bills late, even though the money's in the bank? Lots of speeding tickets? Problems with the spouse or 'significant other'? Showing up to work dead on my feet because I was up all night watching porn? Hooking up with dysfunctional people for sex, and then having to figure out how the hell to get them out of my life? Unmanageability. But, these are only a few of the possibilities.
Now, if I intended to be an overweight slob, whose house is too messy for actual humans to visit; if I decided to spend money on junk I don't need, and dig spending it on late fees and speeding tickets; if I sat down and thought that I would like to have more angry altercations, feel like hell at work, or deal with a real-life version of 'Fatal Attraction'... then I guess that answering "yes" to all those questions would be managing my life well. But, since I don't want to live like that, it sure as hell wouldn't!
So, does this mean that I have to accept that even if I get sober, I'm going to be stuck with a craptastic life? No. Now that I've conceded to myself that I am not only unable to stay sober; that I will have some other problems (be they few or many) that will plague me. Unless I get some kind of added power from outside myself.
Step one means: "I can't do it alone." Luckily, steps two through twelve mean I can quit trying.
-M
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