You know how sometimes you can have a feeling that comes and goes in less time than it takes to have a thought? I had one of those the other day...
I got to go to court last week as part of my ongoing divorce. Always good for a chuckle, that place.
Anyway, as I walked out the front door of the courthouse*, I had a sudden, strong urge to have a drink.
Now when I say "strong urge", I mean like how I'd feel gazing upon a chicken fried steak, scrambled eggs, and hash browns if I hadn't eaten for a couple days. I'm not talking some kind of vague craving, or thought that it might be kind of pleasant... No, I'm talking about something as subtle and ambiguous as a brick upside the head.
And, when I say I had a strong urge to drink, I wanted booze. Even though I was always more of a pothead than a drunk, weed didn't come to mind. Nor coke. Or speed. And not a glass of beer or wine, but hard liquor. I remembered the sensation of the burn as the liquid slides down my gullet. And, before I could even think in words, I started to look around to see if I could see a bar anywhere.
By the time I could actually form a conscious thought, the feeling had come and gone. But, it really rang my bell. It's been a while - several years at least - since I've wanted a drink.
If you think I was going to be able to "play the tape to the end" or "think through my relapse", then you might as well just quit reading here and fire up a spliff. 'Cause that just wasn't going to happen. Without some power other than my own operative in my life, there's no way I'm going to not do something as much as I wanted to have that drink last Wednesday.
-M
*I'm surprised they don't follow the Scottish pay toilet system: free to get in, but ten bucks to leave. I don't know about anybody else, but I'd pay damn near anything to get out of that place.
