I headed out to go to an NA meeting last night. When I rolled up, I couldn't find the damned thing. I don't know if nobody had showed up because it was five minutes before the start time, or if I just had the wrong place.
If anybody new reads this post, and has wandered around, looking for a meeting, feeling stupid... you're not the only one!
But this isn't what had me pissed off. I just jumped into my really, really awesome twenty-two year old econobox with the noisy transmission and bashed in fender, and rolled up to an AA meeting a couple miles away. It's almost always a really good meeting, and they were still just reading the promises when I got in and got a seat next to a friend of mine.
Then, they asked if there were any new people in their first thirty days of sobriety. In the back of the room, another friend of mine from my old home group stands up. He'd probably been sober for a couple years, until a few days ago.
DAMNIT!
That's what pissed me off. Not just irritated. Not vexed. Pissed - like something inside me is caught between bursting into tears, or throwing fists. I'm talking really, really angry.
I've done enough inventory work to know (once I've cooled down) that anger is my mind's reaction to having lost something, or fear that I'd lose something. Having lost a really good friend a little over a year ago, it really jerks my chain when someone I like relapses.
You might think that having been around a while, I'd get used to this. I'd finally accept that not everybody stays clean. But, it bothers me more than it used to.
Anyway, I took a couple deep breaths, and calmed down. After a few moments, I wasn't angry any more; just sad for my friend. Things can't have been going well if drinking looked like a reasonable option.
-M
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