Shangai'd!

When I first started going to meetings, I was pretty... adamant... on my viewpoints.

And, there were a few things I had no intention of doing.  Such as accept anybody's concept of God (hell, I thought you ought to have to say "Higher Power" in meetings, because 'the G word' may offend people), I wasn't going to write things down which someone could find and use against me, I wasn't going to have some damned sponsor running my life for me, I wasn't going to give up social, controlled drinking.  I wasn't going to do this, that, or the other thing... and a number of people thought I wasn't going to stay off dope.

After a while, my views on drinking were amended, and I stopped.  But, I continued to be no less determined to do things my way.

At that time, I was going to a number of AA meetings in the Seattle area, and the three meetings of MSA at the Fremont Baptist Church (the Friday meeting moved there shortly after I started attending).

One day, some of my friends told me about a new meeting in a suburb east of Seattle.  We met up, and were going to head out, when they told me I should ride with them.  So, I jumped in the car.

The meeting started in the usual manner; the preamble and other stuff was read.  Then, the chair took over, and introduced the topic.  It was me.

No shit.

Oh, and here's the best part, I was not allowed to speak.

Well, I sat there, and listened to what every one of those people said about me; about what I was doing wrong, about how I was not going to stay sober, how I was emotionally maladjusted, and spiritually sick.

Now, this happened fairly early in my recovery, because it took place before I moved overseas.  That would have been in March of 1990, when I had nine months clean.  MSA, having only been formed about nine months before I came along, was full of other newly-recovering people.  So, an amount of personality conflict was probably inevitable.

Looking back, I think that the actions of a group of people to single out one member like that is as wrong as wrong can be.  In my opinion, either a guy is doing something so egregious that he should be thrown out (such as violent behavior, sexual misconduct, or just being continually disruptive), or you just leave him the hell alone.  But, I digress.

As I sat there, listening to each and every person present "share"*, I made a decision:  I was never, ever going to give any one of those fuckers the opportunity to say "welcome back" to me.  Even if it literally meant dying.  I wasn't going to let any of the people present that day stay clean longer than me.  Period.  I was going to out last them all.  Fuck them, and their shitty little meeting; I'd show them!

Am I recommending replacing the twelve steps with resentment-based sobriety?  Hardly.  It's not a pleasant way to go.  But, lemme' tell you, there was more than one time, especially early on, when I wanted to throw in the towel.  And, I'd remember that day, clench my teeth, and strengthen my resolve.

Am I recommending a group taking one member's inventory?  Hell no!  Let's take our own inventories.  And, if you feel compelled to take mine, please have the courtesy to go out and make my amends for me as well...

And am I trying to claim that I wasn't pretty abrasive early on?  Uh, I better not go down that road; somebody who knew me from my first ten years will undoubtedly see this if I say that.  There's a reason that I got branded "Mahatmaganja", and it certainly wasn't because anybody really thought I was some kind of guru!

By the way, I can't remember who was present at that one particular meeting.  There are only two people left who know me from before I left Seattle.  One is George; the other is Tom.  It seems to me that I met George just prior to leaving, and I'll have to ask Tom if he was there.

If not, I might just have outlasted 'em all.  But I'm going to keep staying clean anyway -  just to make sure.

-M

* by "share" I mean anything from delivering a well-intentioned lecture for my benefit, to simply spewing invective and ad-hominem attack.